Along Came a Spider Reviewed

ROVIN' AND RAVIN' WITH MIKE

Along Came a Spider

It’s starting to warm up outside, so what better way to spend a couple of hours than in a cool theater with a cool flick, nothing too demanding but with the promised pleasure of seeing Morgan Freeman again.… Well, I can almost bring myself to say that even a bad film with Morgan Freeman is good. But, after those two expected cool hours of Along Came a Spider, the best I can say is, the experience was closer to an hour and a half.

Reprising his role as forensic psychologist Dr. Alex Cross from Kiss the Girls (1997), based on another novel by James Patterson, Freeman doesn’t get much help from the script. There are two main elements in a film script, the story and the characters. Perhaps critics put more emphasis on character development, just as most likely the narrative in which those characters develop is more appealing to the general audience.

The problem with this film is that both of those elements are very seriously flawed. This kind of film, telling the story of a criminal investigation, can get by without much character development if the story is strong enough to keep things moving along. This story isn’t. The story has to be driven by flawless logic. A mystery—especially a why-done-it like this rather than a who-done-it—after all, makes its appeal primarily to our intellects. If it is not intellectually satisfying (not to mention logically consistent), then it is as big a failure as a porno flick in which the cast all keep their clothes on.

It’s hard to talk about this story without giving away secrets. But, we learn up front the identity of the kidnapper, a teacher (Michael Wincott) at a Washington, D.C. prep school, so exclusive that it has Secret Service agents sitting in classrooms to protect the likes of the daughter (Mika Boorem) of a U.S. senator and the son of the Russian president. And why, pray tell, is the son of the Russian president studying in the U.S.?

OK, you can overlook a problem like that; at least, I can. But, there are just too many such problems. There’s not one enigma to unwind here, just a lot of little bits and pieces that go nowhere. Perhaps the greatest trick ending in recent movies is the conclusion of The Sixth Sense, and I admit that the first time I saw the film, it took me off guard, but as I reflected on it, I could see how the film got there, how we got there. Along Came a Spider has two or three twists on its way to the ending, but as I look back on them, I can’t see that things—from the original kidnapping, to the involvement of Cross, to things I shouldn’t tell you about—work out.

One particular problem for me was the ease with which computers are mined for their secrets. Let’s say that you decided that one of my passwords would involve the title of this series of articles, how would you know whether it was RoveandRave or rove&rave… or…? Dr. Cross has no such problem.

The characterizations add no interest to the proceedings. How long has it been since it was in any way fresh or revealing for a criminal to blame his actions on his parents? The dialog is as conventional as the situations. The music by the usually estimable Jerry Goldsmith sounds almost as if it is a parody. Tah, tum… Move to the edge of your seat. (No other reason to.)

Freeman does his valiant best with this film, but at times there seems to be a bit of bemusement in his face, as if he has to try too hard. Jezzie Flannigan as Monica Potter, the Secret Service agent who considers herself responsible for the kidnapping, just seems to be walking through a thankless part. Mika Boorem as the kidnapped student deals with the weirdness of the character’s situation with a conviction that, perhaps, an older actor would not waste on such material.

Keep your feet dry (muddy footprints are no more desirable than muddy logic), your heart full of noble thoughts, and an eye out for spiders that don't really fit onto their webs.