Copyright © 1999 by Michael Segers, All rights reserved
Some months ago, I added to my Rovin’ and Ravin’ columns "The WH:Y Club," with the name of the fictitious club being "Whiz-kids: High-achieving Youth." I used that title to emphasize that the subject of that article—childhood sexual abuse—occurs in all groups. That article was unique in several ways.
Generally, these columns are written to inform and to entertain, and most of them are light in mood. "The W:HY Club" was the most serious column I’ve included in this series, and it is also the column I feel most strongly about. It is the only one of these columns not written specifically for this series. In fact, I began to write it in 1993, and I have been working on it, revising it since. It got linked to from another site, and so, I got more response to that one article than I have to all the others in this series combined. And, speaking of links, it was one of the few columns in this series that had no links to other sites, for which there was a reason.
I want to go back to that article to share some more reflections on that topic with you. Just as I dedicated the first article to a friend of mine who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so do I dedicate this sequel to the people who took time to respond to that article. They included, to my surprise, a former teacher of mine and a former student of mine, as well as some people who exist for me only as e-mail correspondents, including a sixteen-year-old boy and even someone asking for understanding for child abusers.
In recent months, we’ve heard a lot of quibbling about the definition of "having sex." There is a similar problem about "sexual abuse." As I said in the first article, we are talking about "sexual abuse," not "abusive sex." We characterize the act as an act of abuse. And so, the question that came up in some of my e-mail discussions is, "Why distinguish sexual abuse from other abuse?"
Let me quote from a correspondent who clarified that he had never been forced to participate in a sexual act, "but the whole history of physical abuse, psychological terror and torture, and sexual acting out, is something I am just now beginning to even partially feel. I will never forget the years of being taken into the cellar, suddenly and without warning, by a father insane with paranoia and fury, and being told then to remove my clothes and stand there naked in sexual humiliation and deep shame."
Is it somehow not as bad if—to take another story—a mother grinds a cigarette out on her son’s back, without making him disrobe? When we consider that of the many, many children who died in automobile accidents last year, over half were not wearing seat belts, can we group parents who do not insist on seat belt use with sexual abusers? By that point, the terms become meaningless. We can not assign grades to pain or draw graphs of fear. What matters is not the degree or the kind of suffering… but suffering itself. Any child’s abuse diminishes our future, and so these articles are about the abuse of children, sexual abuse being one particular, one particularly horrible focus.
It is widely accepted that survivors of childhood abuse need someone with whom they can talk—a professional (either clergy or therapist), a friend, or family member. Yet for many survivors, especially males, it is very hard to open up to someone, to say even to oneself, let alone to someone else, what happened. There is a special tool that survivors now have.
One teenager poignantly wrote me, "As I write this, I am fighting back the tears of memories of nightmares come true, silent screams, and blank stares into a self made darkness of horror, humiliation, and shame. I deal with it in therapy, I deal with it with God, and I deal with it on the Internet." That is the same Internet that is being demonized along with movies, guns, and video games for school shootings which, in several years, have killed far fewer children than the more than two hundred who were killed in bicycle accidents last year.
I’ve heard that we are becoming addicted to the anonymous, impersonal communication of e-mail and chat-rooms, that such things cannot take the place of "real" human contact. But, as I’ve "sat in" on some Internet discussions among survivors of sexual abuse these past few months, I’ve come to wonder: what is not "real" about the pain and care that these folks are sharing with each other? As my teenaged correspondent said, "Survivors of any abusive situation, are very fragile, and finding a place of true support … is so awesome."
Someone asked me, after reading my article, if I was getting on the Jerry Springer bandwagon. I’ve heard it said that "they" just need to shut up, keep a stiff upper lip, and get on with life. But, survivors of childhood sexual abuse are commonly given the same diagnosis as those still suffering the psychological horrors of Vietnam, post-traumatic stress disorder. Silence is a luxury that they, that we, cannot afford. Since I am not a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I am writing, as I did previously, especially to friends, family members, loved ones of survivors, to encourage you to let the survivor in your life talk, to recognize how that person is honoring you by trusting you.
I’m also trying to let this article give survivors a voice of their own, and so, "Silence is for the weak. Talking and bringing things out that need to be brought out, make us all stronger and help us to find more courage to reach out and fight for the survival we deserve. And maybe, just maybe, one hurting child, will see a way out, and know it is not his fault."
That is the reason I have renamed the W:HY Club. It is now the Why Club, the club for those who survived sexual abuse as well as for those who care about those survivors, all joined in asking, Why? Why? But, no matter how many times we ask, no matter how many times we stand before the universe with no answer, we must repeat what I emphasized in the previous article: "The child is not responsible for the sexual abuse. The child is not and cannot be responsible for the sexual abuse. The child is not and is never under any circumstances responsible for the sexual abuse. And, in case there is any doubt, any sexual contact between an adult and a child is abuse."
The first article had no links, no web sites where you could continue to learn about childhood sexual abuse. The reason for that, although I had used a couple of sites frequently in preparing the article was that, obviously, this is a very ugly, very disturbing topic, and you won’t go very far, linking from this article, until you get to some horrible, horrible material.
This time, I am including some links that I have found especially helpful, but I am going to emphasize that my inclusion of them in no way represents a recommendation or even approval of the sites by Peanut.org or by its directors. In fact, with one of the sites, I have some disagreements myself, but I include it because of its extensive information. As you go on-line, just remember, don’t let your common sense go off-line.
First, two very different but very good sites:
http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com
One is specifically for male survivors, and although the other is not specifically for female survivors, its prettiness and its pink might discourage males. One is maintained by a survivor who is not a psychotherapist; the other, by a psychotherapist who is not a survivor. One is very interactive, a support group on line; the other does not have, as far as I can find, an e-mail address. Which is which, I am not going to say. Both are certainly worth your time, and both of them have an incredible assortment of links, that will take you to many related sites.
Andrew Vachss is a memorable lawyer who writes memorable mystery novels. His law practice is limited to children’s issues, and his novels are about crimes against children. He appears from time to time on Oprah Winfrey’s show, and he writes for Parade magazine. He has found a way as an advocate for children to make his voice heard in the dead center of popular culture. He is also present on the web in a strange but information packed site (where you can even learn how to pronounce his name) with an emphasis, naturally, on legal matters:
The Open Door Theatre is a drama troupe that spreads the word about childhood sexual abuse more on the grassroots level, especially to schools; it can be found at:
To provide another sort of link, Rob Reiner’s 1986 film Stand By Me, is about four boys who have dealt with various sorts of physical and emotional abuse, but not sexual abuse. The abuse is not even a central point of the plot. Instead, it hangs in the background, almost as an element of the environment. Based on a book by Stephen King, of all people, this gentle little film shows a community of trust and sharing in which four wounded young men create the families that they need but do not have.
At one point, one of the youngsters makes a wise old statement, "Kids lose everything unless there’s someone there to look after them." With that line, this meeting of the Why Club is not adjourned. Unfortunately, the Why Club can never be adjourned. So, with your mind full of questions that cannot be answered, keep your feet dry, your heart full of noble thoughts, and an eye out for the suffering kid who may be buried deep inside someone you love.The Two Most Important Articles in This Series