ROVIN'
AND RAVIN' WITH MIKE
Brought to you by Peanut.org
Note: My columns are usually as light-hearted as their collective title. I even manage to smile as I butcher the movies I review. But, this week, I take a different direction. I have been working on this piece for six years, and six years from now, it will probably still be haunting me. Please, pass this article along, and let me know your response to it.
I want to thank your advisor Ms. Worth for inviting me to speak with you today—now you know who to blame. Before I get started on the program, however, I want to ask you to help me with another topic. Have you noticed how many students here wear braces? I wonder, how many of you in the W:HY Club either wear braces or know someone who wears braces? Could I see a show of hands? Again, if you wear braces or know someone who wears braces.... What’s that, George? Everybody you know wears false teeth? I’ll remember that remark when I’m grading your term paper.
Thanks for your help—and for your comic relief, George. But, I am going to talk on a subject that isn’t very comic, incest and sexual abuse of young people. By the way, Ms. Worth invited me to speak about my trip to Mexico last summer. When I suggested this topic, she had two questions, and I imagine some of you might have the same questions. First, why should the W:HY Club have a program on such a topic? And second, why do I want to talk on such a topic?
Let me answer the second question first. Why would I want to talk with you about incest and sexual abuse? A few years ago, I had a strange experience. For about six months, at least once a week, someone I knew, an old friend, a new friend, a colleague, man or woman, married or single, told me about being sexually abused as a child.
I didn’t know what was going on, and in fact, I still don’t. I didn’t have a clue about what to say. Now, those of you who have been in my classes know that I approach things academically, intellectually; so I took a course, read some books, and realized that I then knew even less what to say. I want to emphasize I took just one course. I’m not a counselor, a therapist, an expert, just someone who wanted to be a better friend or a better teacher, at least, a better listener.
I call this program "Six Myths about Childhood Sexual Abuse," because I want to talk with you about six myths, six wrong ideas, that people have about the sexual abuse of young people. The first myth answers Ms. Worth’s first question.
"Mike," she said, "why should the W:HY Club have a program on sexual abuse? This is the W:HY Club, the Whizkids: High-achieving Youth?" I know that what most of you got from what I just said was that she called me Mike. Yes, when you guys aren’t around, we teachers call each other by our first names, just like real people, right Barb—I mean, Ms. Worth? But, I want for you to think about what Ms. Worth was suggesting, that there is some group of young people immune to sexual abuse. I know most of you in the W:HY Club are in the college preparatory program. From what I know, many of you come from a comfortable economic background, not like us teachers.
But, none of that matters. Perhaps some of you think childhood sexual abuse involves something out there, involves someone else… a dirty old man in a raincoat. The reality is that most sexual abuse is committed by a family member, a family friend, a church leader, a teacher, a baby-sitter, someone that the child and members of the child’s family know. Childhood sexual abuse occurs in families that are faithful members of the Roman Catholic Church or of the Baptist Church or of no church at all. It happens in black families and in white families, in rich families and in poor families. A former Miss America has been very open in discussing her childhood sexual abuse, and so has Oprah Winfrey.
I don’t care if this is the W:HY Club or a club in a juvenile prison, a remedial class or a college prep class, I cannot say "Someone in this room MAY have been sexually abused." I have to say, "Someone in this room HAS been sexually abused."
Let’s look at the adults in this room. Ms. Worth is the club advisor, and appropriately, Mr. Segers is speaking on childhood sexual abuse. After all, only men abuse children sexually. That’s the second myth. The truth is. as many as one-fourth of sexual abusers are women.
Childhood sexual abuse is so horrible, in fact, that we have a third myth to explain it. Some people believe that the adult must be drunk or on drugs to do such a thing. Of course, the use of alcohol and drugs—of alcohol and other drugs—is involved in many sexual offenses. But there are many people who use drugs who do not abuse children, and there are people who abuse children who will not allow alcohol in their homes.
Another myth is that the adult is sexually attracted to the child. But, I am not talking about "abusive sex with children." I’m talking about "sexual abuse of children." It’s not sex; it’s abuse. What happens in any abuse of children? A stronger person takes advantage of a weaker person, imposes his or her feelings onto the weaker person. A person who weighs about a hundred eighty pounds takes advantage of someone who weighs perhaps forty pounds to act out his anger or frustration or drunkenness. Imagine that you are facing a seven hundred pound sumo wrestler... and he has just been fired.
Sex is just one more way of taking advantage. Many sexual abusers offend against boys and girls alike, because it is not a matter of being attracted to boys or to girls but of being attracted to anyone smaller, weaker. Quite often, the child can understand the issue of power even though he or she is too young to understand what sex is about. That sense of powerlessness stays with survivors of childhood sexual abuse long after the abuse ends, even after the abuser is dead.
Now, I have two more myths. I’m saving the most important one for last. This next myth, number five, if you are counting, is one that I’ve never heard but once. A counselor taking the class on sexual abuse with me almost caused a riot when she said this. First, you know what incest is, don’t you? Sexual abuse is a special kind of child abuse, and incest is a special kind of childhood sexual abuse—sexual abuse by a member of the family. The counselor in my class said that she felt that perhaps incest is not as bad as other sexual abuse, that the child would at least recognize, know, and perhaps love the adult.
That the child knows and loves the adult makes incest the worst kind of abuse of all. If you are being abused by your father, stepfather, uncle, or grandfather—or, let us not forget, your mother, stepmother, aunt, or grandmother—then you are being abused by someone who should be there to protect you from abuse. The people you should trust violate that trust, and you may never be able to trust anyone again.
The final myth is so awful, so dangerous that I am not going to call it a myth anymore. It is a lie, purely and simply, a lie. This lie is that the child somehow wants, asks for, or brings about the sexual abuse. I’m going to break a school rule and say not just no, but Hell, no. I have friends whose abuse began before they started to school. If you don’t remember anything else from this presentation, remember this: The child is not responsible for the sexual abuse. The child is not and cannot be responsible for the sexual abuse. The child is not and is never under any circumstances responsible for the sexual abuse. And, in case there is any doubt, any sexual contact between an adult and a child is abuse.
Now that we’ve gone through five myths and a lie about childhood sexual abuse, I want to review them, but this time, I want to tell you the six corresponding truths about childhood sexual abuse:
|
(1) Childhood sexual abuse occurs in all groups. (2) Not all sexual abusers are men. (3) Alcohol and other drugs are not necessarily a part of childhood sexual abuse. They certainly are not an excuse.
|
(4) Childhood sexual abuse is a form of child abuse. It is about power, not about sexual attraction. (5) Incest is the worst kind of childhood sexual abuse, if we can say that one form is worse than another. (6) The child is not responsible for the sexual abuse. |
Say that last one with me: The child is not responsible... for the sexual abuse....
Now that we know these six truths, what can we do? First, I want to talk to the people in this room who have been sexually abused. I know that we have school rules against gambling, but it is no gamble for me to bet that I am talking to at least one person, probably more. If you are currently being abused, do anything you can to get out. Do not worry about hurting the feelings of anyone in your family. You can’t take care of them. You have to take care of yourself. If you can possibly avoid it, don’t let yourself be alone with your abuser. Talk to someone. Call the police. Do something!
If you have been abused in the past, or if you are still being abused, be aware that you have very good reasons not to trust anyone, very good reasons to feel powerless. But also, be aware that you have no reason to be ashamed. There is nothing you did, nothing you could have done, to be responsible for what has happened to you. An adult knows better. An adult must accept the responsibility not to do what an adult did to you.
With no shame, with a great deal of regret and anger, but with no shame, find someone you can talk with—a friend; someone here at school, a teacher, counselor or administrator; someone in your family or at your place of worship. You do not deserve what happened to you. You do not deserve to suffer anymore. You’ve learned a lot about surviving. Now, learn something about thriving. By the way, that’s not easy for any of us.
If, on the other hand, you have never been sexually abused, please don’t resent having to sit through this program. If a friend does talk with you about having been abused, don’t ask a lot of questions. Don’t think, why did I have to hear this? Childhood sexual abuse affects all kinds of people, and the survivors of childhood sexual abuse are just like every one else, except that they had to learn, sometimes at a very early age, a lot about themselves, about life, about survival, and yes, about cruelty. Accept their friendship as a gift, as a blessing in your life. If that person who has so many reasons not to trust anyone can trust you, then you have been honored.
I know you all want to get to the refreshments, and after this program, you deserve them, but I want to tell you why I asked you about people wearing braces. All of you—except George—said that you know someone who wears braces. The reason that I asked you that is because… the number of children who wear braces is less than the number of children who are sexually abused.
Please feel free to share this essay with anyone whom you feel may be helped by it. You may also want to share the sequel: "The Renamed Why Club." I would appreciate knowing how it is used or if you have any suggestions or responses: mike@peanut.org. By all means, keep your feet dry and, even after this depressing article, especially after this depressing article, your heart full of noble thoughts of those people—like the friend of mine to whom I dedicate this article, although I do not include his name—who have endured and survived the experience of childhood sexual abuse with a truly amazing grace and nobility, with the hopes that they keep their feet dry, their hearts full of noble thoughts, hard to do when your heart is so wounded.