ROVIN' AND RAVIN' WITH MIKE

Copyright  © 1999 by Michael Segers,  All rights reserved 

      Had I missed something? My attention had wandered during a tedious quarrel between a young couple in Summer of Sam, when I heard a baby cry. I didn’t remember anything in the movie about any children. Then, I heard the baby again, louder. Closer, in fact, about three rows behind me, where a couple of couples had maintained a running commentary on the film ever since it began. The baby took over for the rest of the film. Maybe that’s why Summer of Sam seemed too long.

      At last, Eyes Wide Shut, the coda to the career of the great Stanley Kubrick! I had just settled into my seat, when four women settled into the seats to my right. Rummaging in their ample purses, they produced quite a spread of hamburgers, fries, and sodas. Gee, I hadn’t known this was a covered dish movie. As you know if you’ve seen this film, however, most of the dishes end up uncovered.

      One of my five senses, the sense of small, almost kept me from enjoying The Sixth Sense. Somewhere near me, someone was wearing about six times too much perfume.

      Since I’m trying to keep this column rated PG-13, I won’t even begin on cell phones. This week, instead of reviewing horror movies, as I’ve done lately, I’m reviewing the audience, movie horrors. I’ve wanted to write this column for some time, but I haven’t because I’m afraid it is going to turn into a gripe session. Although I have some ideas about why behavior is so bad at the megaplex, I don’t have any valid solutions.

      In general, we are losing our civil rights—the right to expect civil behavior, even the right to behave civilly, because in today’s person-eat-person society, simple courtesy is interpreted as weakness. The conversations, babies, and cell phones of the movie audience are trivial compared to what is happening on our raging roads, but they are of the same nature.

      Perhaps the movies themselves are to blame. Certainly, the language of many movies today is crude, outright offensive. Although I am opposed to censorship, a little common sense and good taste wouldn’t hurt anyone. Some films are marketed to a rowdy audience. Do you really want to be caught alone in the dark with a crowd attracted to an image of two guys urinating against a wall? But, of the three films I mentioned at the beginning of this article, two are serious (one even pompous), oriented toward an adult audience.

      Regardless of the reasons for the unreasonable behavior, what can we do? Three solutions seem as obvious as they seem insufficient. First, we can respond to the offenders. But, what does that accomplish? Do we really want them to stick the young’un in a trashcan till the end of the movie? Take a shower to get rid of the perfume? Isn’t it as unfair for us to impose our expectations on them, as it is for them to impose their cell phones on us? Or, should we break out cell phones ourselves and stoke up the stogies that I sometimes light, mainly for insect repellant, when I’m floating down the river?

      We can always complain to the management. Ideally, the management would escort the offenders from the theater with tickets so that they can return unencumbered by an infant. Yeah, sure, especially when the person standing behind the customer service counter doesn’t look old enough to drive.

      So, if we’re scared of the dark or at least of the other folks there with us, we can just stay home and wait for the video. Isn’t that a defeat? If only crude, obnoxious people go to the movies, will we get only crude, obnoxious movies?

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